Forgive Everyone for Everything

In Dostoevsky’s great last work, The Brothers Karamazov, the story is told of Markel, brother of the Elder Zossima. Diagnosed with tuberculosis, he is dying. In those last days he came to a renewed faith in God and a truly profound understanding of forgiveness. In a conversation with his mother she wonders how he can possibly be so joyful in so serious a stage of his illness. His response is illustrative of the heart of the Orthodox Christian life.

 ‘Mama,’ he replied to her, ‘do not weep, life is paradise, and we are all in paradise, but we don’t want to realize it, and if we did care to realize it, paradise would be established in all the world tomorrow.’ And we all wondered at his words, so strangely and so resolutely did he say this; we felt tender emotion and we wept….’Dear mother, droplet of my blood,’ he said (at that time he had begun to use endearments of this kind, unexpected ones), ‘beloved droplet of my blood, joyful one, you must learn that of a truth each of us is guilty before all for everyone and everything. I do not know how to explain this to you, but I feel that it is so, to the point of torment. And how could we have lived all this time being angry with one another and knowing nothing of this?’ [He spoke even of being guilty before the birds and all creation] …’Yes, he said, ‘all around me there has been such divine glory: birds, trees, meadows, sky, and I alone have lived in disgrace, I alone have dishonored it all, completely ignoring its beauty and glory.’ ‘You take too many sins upon yourself,’ dear mother would say, weeping. ‘But dear mother, joy of my life. I am crying from joy, and not from grief; why, I myself want to be guilty before them, only I cannot explain it to you, for I do not know how to love them. Let me be culpable before all, and then all will forgive me, and that will be paradise. Am I not in paradise now?’

As difficult as it may sound, the reality described by Dostoevsky can be summed up very simply: forgive everyone for everything. Stated in such a blunt fashion, such a goal is overwhelming. How can I forgive everyone for everything? This life of forgiveness, which is nothing other than the life of Christ within us, is our inheritance in the faith. The life of blame, recrimination, bitterness, anger, revenge and the like are not the life of Christ, but simply the ragings of our own egos, the false self which we exalt over our true life which is “hid with Christ in God.”

The rightness of a cause, or the correctness of our judgment do not justify nor change the nature of our ragings. For none of us can stand before God and be justified – except as we give ourselves to the life of Christ, who is our only righteousness.

The question of forgiveness is not a moral issue. We do not forgive because it is the “correct” thing to do. We forgive because it is the true nature of the life in Christ. As Dostoevsky describes it: it is Paradise. In the same manner, the refusal to forgive, the continuation of blame, recrimination, bitterness, etc., are not moral failings. They are existential crises – drawing us away from the life of Christ and Paradise, and ever deeper into an abyss of non-being.

I have lately spent some of my prayer-time each day with a modified form of the ‘Jesus Prayer.’ It runs, “Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner, and forgive all those who hate me or do me harm. Forgive them freely without reproach and grant me true repentance.” I offer no great authority for this prayer – indeed, as I pray it, I find that it changes from time to time. But it is a way of offering prayer for my enemies – of teaching my heart to “forgive everyone for everything.”

It can also be effective to pray (particularly when we find ourselves bound emotionally by our injured memories): “Lord, do not hold their (whomever you have in mind) sins against them on the day of judgment.” Such a prayer “forgives the debt,” the sense that we have that something is “owed.”

There is a further thought that is of great importance. Forgiveness and unforgiveness are not private matters. As Christ taught the Apostles, “Whosoever sins you loose are loosed, and whosoever sins you retain are retained.” This, of course, has a particular meaning for the Apostolic ministry given to the Church. But it also alludes to another reality. My refusal to forgive is a force for evil in this world – binding both myself and others around me. It may not be an intentional binding – but bind it will. In the same manner, forgiveness is the introduction of Paradise into this world – both for myself and for others around me. Whether I intend it or not, Paradise comes as a fruit of such love.

Forgive everyone for everything. Will we not be in Paradise?

 

About Fr. Stephen Freeman

Fr. Stephen is a retired Archpriest of the Orthodox Church in America. He is also author of Everywhere Present: Christianity in a One-Storey Universe, and Face to Face: Knowing God Beyond Our Shame, as well as the Glory to God podcast series on Ancient Faith Radio.



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24 responses to “Forgive Everyone for Everything”

  1. Jenny Weyer Avatar
    Jenny Weyer

    Thank you for those prayers.

  2. Helen Avatar
    Helen

    It’s difficult but much easier when I have understood that forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation or trust. That takes repair with the other, who must be willing. And forgiveness does not depend on the other asking for it or recognizing their sin. That takes repair within myself.

  3. Katie Andraski Avatar

    Thank you for this. I will try that prayer. Is there a place for anger, for telling someone how you feel you’ve been wronged? Sometimes I think that will do more harm than good. When I feel angry or hurt by a past hurt, it’s a cue to pray for their blessing.

    Yes, yes on paradise here. Now.

  4. Fr. Stephen Avatar

    Katie,
    I think that what we do with our anger depends on the nature of the relationship. In some cases it can indeed do more harm. In other cases, it can clarify and make healing possible. But it’s very much case by case.

  5. Mary Burrows Avatar
    Mary Burrows

    So very beautiful, meaningful, helpful, and profound. Thank you.

  6. Katie Andraski Avatar

    Thank you so much. This blog is so helpful ad hopeful.

  7. Scott Marckx Avatar

    Thank you Father Stephen!
    For a few years now I’ve been trying to learn more about forgiveness. This piece really adds to that, thank you! My favorite book so far on forgiveness is Marina Cantacuzino’s “Forgiveness: An Exploration”. I’m also getting more curious about Compassion and trying to find stories that exemplify it. I love how you used an excerpt from a story to teach about forgiveness. Somehow stories seem to work for remembering and understanding. Thank you!
    All the best, Scott

  8. Katie Prothro Avatar
    Katie Prothro

    You have been an example of this for me and having that example is a great source of help to me. Thank you for practicing what you preach. Oh, and keep preaching please!!

  9. Fr. Stephen Avatar

    Katie,
    Thank you for the kind words! May God forgive us all!

  10. Karen Woldum Avatar
    Karen Woldum

    This posting might have saved my life. Thank you. I am a Roman Catholic but we need your Orthodox perspective in our world today. Keep writing! ✝️❤️

  11. Anthony Hoilman Avatar
    Anthony Hoilman

    Father bless,

    I’ve been talking with a few people who have experienced spiritual trauma recently. Forgiveness seems like the only answer. But in grappling with the evil and sins of others, and maybe more especially that God allows evil and sins even in the Church, one reaction our brokenness can tend to is self righteous indignation. The focus can shift to all the wrongs everyone else does, and the seeming vision that we alone are outraged and want to correct the evil beyond “merely” forgiving those who did it. How can we be humbled after focusing on everyone else and not the darkness in our own heart? How can we talk to friends experiencing this with love without merely lecturing or disagreeing? I know prayer is the most important answer, but I would appreciated any further wisdom specifically on speaking to those we have loving relationships with that have taken this stance.

  12. Fr. Stephen Avatar

    Anthony,
    Yes. That’s a real problem. Forgiveness and “making things be right” are often in conflict. One book I read on wartime PTSD (by a specialist in the field) said that a key factor was the sense of “injustice.” A lot of guys came home from Vietnam with some level of PTSD in that elements of the war seemed “unjust” or their country seemed other than just, etc. This can especially be true in the Church and its leadership or even membership. It’s the Church. A priest is expected not to cause injury or trauma. So the sense of offense and outrage is even greater when it has that element to it.

    I think a lot about Jesus’ parables and teachings on the forgiveness of debts (money) in the gospels. The language is similar to just plain forgiveness. There’s an over-the-top extreme character in some of His parables on debt. The servant who is forgiven an extremely large debt, but who demands to be repaid a tiny debt – so much that he’ll throw a man into prison if he doesn’t pay.

    Of course, the sense of the parable is that – given the largeness of our debt to God, how can we not forgive others?

    Getting past being stuck on ourselves is hard. In speaking with others – especially friends, etc. – it’s sometimes useful if we can model what we mean by the stories of what we ourselves have experienced.

    And, as you say, pray.

  13. Andrew Avatar
    Andrew

    Thank you for this Father. Would you say unforgiveness is a type of judgement/condemnation of the other as undeserving of our forgiveness? Reading again a well know quote from St. Seraphim of Sarov the other day, I was struck by the line, “Never condemn each other. We condemn others only because we shun knowing ourselves.”

  14. Anthony Hoilman Avatar
    Anthony Hoilman

    Thank you for your words Father.

  15. Joanie Miller Avatar
    Joanie Miller

    Amen. Thanks for this message on forgiveness.

  16. Father Alban Avatar
    Father Alban

    Timely, beautiful, consoling, and inspiring words.

    Glory to God,
    In Christ

  17. Cathy Avatar
    Cathy

    Another “Homerun” post Father!😍I will be rereading a few times. God Bless and Keep You!

  18. Mallory Avatar
    Mallory

    Thank you for this, Father! I am in a dilemma, and I think of forgiveness daily. I live with a family member who is very difficult–alcoholic, passive aggressive, and generally mean-spirited. She has recently been diagnosed with cancer, and instead of like the movies, unfortunately, this has not been received as a wake-up call or a call to look within or seek God. Instead, she has decided to cling tighter to her addictions and now is often drinking during the day. It is nearly impossible for me not to judge her and question why God would put me in this circumstance. I don’t drink, although I know I have many sins of my own. I fear that this situation is pulling me away from God, and making my heart cold to my family member. I long to be close to Him and to understand why so much suffering is allowed for in this life. Sometimes I wonder if this world is a punishment, and I know many others who have wondered the same. Do you have any words of wisdom? Perhaps a prayer I could say every morning/all day? I say the Jesus prayer and read Scripture before the day begins. Any thoughts or prayers you might have about my situation, I would welcome. Thank you for your writing as always.

  19. Fr. Stephen Avatar

    Mallory,
    The recovery from addiction is a difficult path, psychologically, physically, and emotionally. Each time it happens, it’s something of a miracle. And it happens a lot. I grew up with an alcoholic parent and did not see a change until late in life. I say that only to say that I deeply empathize with your present struggle.

    I think “punishment” is an unhelpful image. Frankly, I’ve long thought that punishment rarely achieves anything. The mystery of suffering in this life is, hands down, the most difficult thing to fathom. I believe that there are a couple of helpful thoughts. One is that there is something of a “refining fire” aspect – the purpose being to form and shape us into the image of God – to love as He loves. On the one hand, we frequently don’t see God as suffering – but that’s because we forget to see Christ’s suffering on the Cross. According to the Fathers – He suffers with us and in us even to the end of the age. The Cross (in history) is just the “visible” portion of that age-long suffering.

    I had a role in my Father’s recovery (he had a large role, and God had the largest, by far). But I can, in hindsight, see that what I endured early in life has contributed to who I am now, both good and bad – and the good far outweighs the bad.

    It can also be the case that someone we love never finds sobriety and healing in this life – that they die in a broken state. We shouldn’t despair. God alone understands the difficulties that their soul has endured. I think there is a healing beyond death (and completion of the healing that has begun). Our prayers for the departed are of tremendous help in this regard. I continue to pray for my parents (now departed) each day and at every Divine Liturgy.

    As to prayer. The Akathist to the Mother of God the Inexhaustible Cup is a good resource. You might take small parts of it to use as a daily prayer.

    When it comes to living with someone who is difficult – we pray for them. But it is so easy for the negative things to overwhelm everything else that the prayer just becomes sluggish. I have found it helpful to think about anything(!) that they have done for me (or others) for which I’m grateful. Remembering that before God, and reminding myself, helps me to give thanks on some level and it lightens our prayers.

    God give you grace!

  20. Mike Avatar
    Mike

    Thank you Father Freeman for this post, I really needed to forgive someone for hurting me deeply by besmirching my character. I didn’t want to forgive but I remembered what you wrote and with tears and clenched teeth, I earnestly forgave and moved on. It was very difficult to let go of the hurt and the subsequent need for vengeance and retribution, in other words, my ego. Thanks again!

  21. Fr. Stephen Avatar

    Mike,
    Every beginning, however small, is a great victory in Christ. May He strengthen you in the coming fast!

  22. Nathan Fischer Avatar
    Nathan Fischer

    Hi Father, I’m a little behind on your articles, but I still wanted to ask a question on this one that came to mind yesterday.

    During prayer, I was trying to practice thanksgiving toward a person I’m struggling with. Is giving thanks a form of forgiveness? Is “forgiving everyone for everything” and “giving thanks to God for all things” part of the same thread (so to speak)? When we find it difficult to give thanks, is that because we’re finding it difficult to forgive?

    Spending some intentional time giving thanks for the person and relationship (and even the struggles themselves) seemed to help a great deal. It was difficult at first, but something “released” by the end. Not only at an emotional level, but also in seeing the person in a new (or renewed) light, and I hope in a way that will lead to meaningful changes (especially patience) on my part.

    I did not expect giving thanks to lead to forgiveness. I only made the connection after the fact. It wasn’t on my mind at all in the moment, to be honest. And I know that a single one-time practice won’t make all the difference – I likely need to make this a regular part of my days/weeks. Just curious as to how you see these two acts (forgiveness/thanksgiving) together, and if you’ve previously seen giving thanks as a possible avenue toward forgiving another?

  23. Fr. Stephen Avatar

    Nathan,
    I think there is a very direct connection between thanksgiving and forgiveness. One way to think of it is in terms of debt (Christ uses that image a lot). The lack of forgiveness is the holding on to a debt. The giving of thanks is also the letting go of a debt. In terms of the heart – the giving of thanks is some of the strongest spiritual medicine that we have. It is an inherent act of humility. I wrote in my book on shame that “the giving of thanks is humility in the active voice.” Humility draws down grace according to the Fathers. So, continue to give thanks – you’ll find your heart changing.

  24. Nathan Fischer Avatar
    Nathan Fischer

    Thank you, Father!

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